From AudioFile
Two married mental health pros offer a compact guide to tuning up your marriage. It's billed as a pre-marriage diagnostic tool, but it's mainly a primer on the common problems men and women have in long-term relationships. Women are process-oriented and think out loud. Men are more egotistical and goal-oriented, and prefer fighting battles to understanding them. It's Mars and Venus revisited, along with some interesting insights on why marriages go wrong. The writing is authoritative, but the gentle narration speaks to the heart. A final section on including God in your marriage is tastefully presented and contributes to making the program a nice guide for anyone whose marriage is threatening to go off course. T.W. © AudioFile 2001, Portland, Maine-- Copyright © AudioFile, Portland, Maine


Book Description
This book shows engaged couples and newlyweds how they can identify and overcome stumbling blocks to a healthy marriage.


From the Back Cover
Are you tired of marriage books that sound like they were written thirty years ago? Do you want real, honest advice from a couple who knows the hopes and struggles of today's couples? Do you want to build a marriage that will last a lifetime? Saving Your Marriage Before It Starts is the first comprehensive marriage preparation program specifically designed for today's couples. And it's the first program for couples developed by a couple. And Les Leslie Parrott are no ordinary couple. As marriage counselors and teachers, they're on the cutting edge of marriage research and education. Each year they teach a blockbuster relationships course to hundred of college students They see the struggles and dreams of couples up close. And they reveal the flaws and foibles of their own relationship in order to show how challenging--and rewarding -- marriage can be. Most importantly, however, Les and Leslie Parrott share a dream: to equip couples in their twenties and thirties to prepare for lifelong marriage before it even starts. They know from experience that many couples spend more time preparing for their wedding than they do for marriage. Having tasted firsthand the difficulties of "wedding bell blues," they show young couples the skills they need to make the transition from "single" to "married" smooth and enjoyable. Whether you're contemplating marriage, engaged, or newly married, Les and Leslie will lead you through the thorniest spot in establishing a relationship. You'll learn how to uncover and deal with problems before they emerge. You'll discover how to communicate, not just talk. And you'll learn the importance of becoming "soul mates" -- a couple committed to growing together spiritually. Saving Your Marriage Before It Starts is more than a book -- it's practically a premarital counseling session! Questions at the end of every chapter help you explore each topic personally. Companion men's and women's workbooks full of self-tests and exercises will help you apply what you learn. And the Saving Your Marriage Before It Starts video curriculum will help you to learn and grow with other couples who are dealing with the same struggles and questions. So start today, while your love is fresh. Save your marriage -- before it starts.


About the Author
Drs. Les and Leslie Parrott are codirectors of the Center for Relationship Development at Seattle Pacific University (SPU), a groundbreaking program dedicated to teaching the basics of good relationships. Les Parrott is a professor of clinical psychology at SPU, and Leslie is a marriage and family therapist at SPU. The Parrotts are authors of the Gold Medallion Award-winning Saving Your Marriage Before It Starts, Becoming Soul Mates, Love Is, Relationships, and When Bad Things Happen to Good Marriages. They have been featured on Oprah, CBS This Morning, CNN, and The View, and in USA Today and the New York Times. They are also frequent guest speakers and have written for a variety of magazines. They live in Seattle, Washington, with their two sons.Leslie Parrott is co-director, with her husband Dr. Les Parrott, of the Center for Relationships Development on the campus of Seattle Pacific University (SPU), a groundbreaking program dedicated to teaching the basics of good relationships. Leslie is also a marriage and family therapist as well as the coauthor of the Gold Medallion Award-wining Saving Your Marriage Before It Starts, The Love List, Becoming Soul Mates, Love Talk, and Your Time Starved Marriage. Leslie is also the author of If You Ever Needed Friends It’s Now and the children’s book, God Loves You Nose to Toes. She has been featured on Oprah and CBS This Morning, and in USA Today and the New York Times. Leslie is a frequent guest speaker and has written for a variety of magazines. The Parrotts' radio program, Love Talk, can be heard on stations throughout North America. She lives in Seattle, Washington, with Les and their two sons.


Excerpt. © Reprinted by permission. All rights reserved.
Question One:
Have You Faced the Myths of Marriage with Honesty?
Tom and Laura came to see us just nine months after their wedding. They had swallowed the happily-ever-after myth whole and were now feeling queasy. Before we got married we couldnt bear to be apart from one another, Laura confided. We did almost everything together, and I thought thats how it would be in our marriage, even more so. She paused for a moment. But now Tom needs more space. It seems like hes not the guy I married.
Tom rolled his eyes as Laura continued: He used to be so considerate and thoughtful before we were married
Oh, and Im a total slouch now? Tom interrupted.
Of course not, you or maybe we are just different now.
Nervously twisting his wedding band, Tom looked at Laura: Marriage isnt what I expected either. I didnt expect it to be a big honeymoon or anything; I just thought you would try to make life a little easier for me. Instead, when I come home from the office, all you want is to go out or
I make dinner every night for you, Laura interrupted.
Surprised by their display of unrestrained emotion in front of us, they stopped silent and looked to us as if to say, See, our marriage isnt what its supposed to be.
Tom and Laura entered their marriage believing that happiness would abound. They had heard that marriage was hard work, but they didnt expect it to be a twenty-four-hour, seven-day-a-week job.
The belief in a happily-ever-after marriage is one of the most widely held and destructive marriage myths. But it is only the tip of the marital-myth iceberg. Every difficult marriage is plagued by a vast assortment of misconceptions about what marriage should be.1 In this chapter, however, we consider only those ideas that are most harmful and most common:
1. We expect exactly the same things from marriage.
2. Everything good in our relationship will get better.
3. Everything bad in my life will disappear.
4. My spouse will make me whole.
The goal of this chapter is to take the mythology out of marriage. For too long, marriage has been saddled with unrealistic expectations and misguided assumptions. Liberated from these four myths, couples can settle into the real world of marriage with all its joys and sorrows, passion and pain.
Myth One: We Expect Exactly the Same Things from Marriage
What we anticipate seldom occurs, what we least expect generally happens, especially in marriage. Saying I do brings with it a host of conscious and unconscious expectations that arent always fulfilled.
Neil and Cathy, a couple in their late twenties and married for four years, each had a clear image of what life together would be like, but they had never discussed their ideas. They, like most newlyweds, simply assumed the other had an identical picture of marriage in mind. Nothing, however, could have been further from the truth.
Cathy: I expected married life to bring more stability and predictability to our lifestyle. To me it meant working in the garden together.
Neil: I wanted our marriage to be exciting and spontaneous, not a ho-hum routine. To me it meant riding a motorcycle together.
As far back as early childhood, Neil and Cathy began dreaming of how married life would be. They grew up in homes where parents modeled married life. They read books describing loving relationships. They watched television shows and movies depicting scenes from marriage. For years they had fantasized about life after crossing the threshold. With little effort, each had formed an idea of what it would and should be like to live as a married couple.
Consciously and unconsciously, Neil and Cathy painted brushstrokes on their mental marital canvases. But it never occurred to either of them that the other might be working from a different palette. They simply assumed their life-long partner would work with complementary colors and in a similar style.
The first year of marriage, however, revealed sharp and unexpected contrasts. What Cathy thought of as security, Neil thought of as boring. They valued many of the same things, but with different levels of intensity. Cathy painted carefully with delicate pastels; Neil painted boldly with primary colors.
Most incongruous expectations fall into two major categories: unspoken rules and unconscious roles. Bringing both of them out into the open can save years of wear and tear on a young marriage.
Unspoken Rules
Everyone lives by a set of rules that is rarely spoken but always known. Needless to say, unspoken rules become more vocal when our spouse breaks them. This became painfully obvious to us when we visited our families for the first time as a married couple.
One Christmas, we flew from Los Angeles to Chicago to be with our families for the holidays. The first night was at my (Leslies) house. As was my familys custom, I woke up early in the morning to squeeze in every possible minute with my family. Les, on the other hand, slept in.
I interpreted Less sleeping as avoidance and rejection and felt he did not value time with my family. Its embarrassing to me, I told Les. Everyone is up and eating in the kitchen. Dont you want to be with us?
Les, on the other hand, didnt understand my intensity. What did I do? Im just catching up from jet lag. Ill come down after my shower, he said. As I found out later, Les expected a slower, easier pace during the holidays, because thats the way it was at his house.
In this incident, Les had broken a rule he didnt know existed, and I discovered a rule I had never put into words. Both of us felt misunderstood and frustrated. We both had our own ideas about what was acceptable, and it never occurred to either of us that our expectations would be so different. Each of us became irritated by the others unspoken expectations and frustrated that the other did not live by the same rules.
Since that first Christmas we have learned to discuss our secret expectations and make our silent rules known. We have also helped the couples we counsel to become more aware of their own unspoken rules, to keep little problems from becoming big ones.

FROM THE PUBLISHER

Are you tired of marriage books that sound like they were written thirty years ago? Do you want real, honest advice from a couple who knows the hopes and struggles of today's couples? Do you want to build a marriage that will last a lifetime? Saving Your Marriage Before It Starts is the first comprehensive marriage preparation program specifically designed for today's couples. And it's the first program for couples developed by a couple. And Les Leslie Parrott are no ordinary couple. As marriage counselors and teachers, they're on the cutting edge of marriage research and education. Each year they teach a blockbuster relationships course to hundred of college students They see the struggles and dreams of couples up close. And they reveal the flaws and foibles of their own relationship in order to show how challenging--and rewarding -- marriage can be. Most importantly, however, Les and Leslie Parrott share a dream: to equip couples in their twenties and thirties to prepare for lifelong marriage before it even starts. They know from experience that many couples spend more time preparing for their wedding than they do for marriage. Having tasted firsthand the difficulties of "wedding bell blues," they show young couples the skills they need to make the transition from "single" to "married" smooth and enjoyable. Whether you're contemplating marriage, engaged, or newly married, Les and Leslie will lead you through the thorniest spot in establishing a relationship. You'll learn how to uncover and deal with problems before they emerge. You'll discover how to communicate, not just talk. And you'll learn the importance of becoming "soul mates" -- a couple committed to growing togetherspiritually. Saving Your Marriage Before It Starts is more than a book -- it's practically a premarital counseling session! Questions at the end of every chapter help you explore each topic personally. Companion men's and women's workbooks full of self-tests and exercises will help you apply what you learn. And the Saving Your Marriage Before It Starts video curriculum will help you to learn and grow with other couples who are dealing with the same struggles and questions. So start today, while your love is fresh. Save your marriage -- before it starts.

Author Biography: Drs. Les and Leslie Parrott are codirectors of the Center for Relationship Development at Seattle Pacific University (SPU), a groundbreaking program dedicated to teaching the basics of good relationships. Les Parrott is a professor of clinical psychology at SPU, and Leslie is a marriage and family therapist at SPU. The Parrotts are authors of the Gold Medallion Award-winning Saving Your Marriage Before It Starts, Becoming Soul Mates, Love Is, Relationships, and When Bad Things Happen to Good Marriages. They have been featured on Oprah, CBS This Morning, CNN, and The View, and in USA Today and the New York Times. They are also frequent guest speakers and have written for a variety of magazines. The Parrotts serve as marriage ambassadors for the Oklahoma governor's ten-year Marriage Initiative. They live in Seattle, Washington, with their two sons.

Drs. Les and Leslie Parrott are codirectors of the Center for Relationship Development at Seattle Pacific University (SPU), a groundbreaking program dedicated to teaching the basics of good relationships. Les Parrott is a professor of clinical psychology at SPU, and Leslie is a marriage and family therapist at SPU. The Parrotts are authors of the Gold Medallion Award-winning Saving Your Marriage Before It Starts, Becoming Soul Mates, Love Is, Relationships, and When Bad Things Happen to Good Marriages. They have been featured on Oprah, CBS This Morning, CNN, and The View, and in USA Today and the New York Times. They are also frequent guest speakers and have written for a variety of magazines. The Parrotts serve as marriage ambassadors for the Oklahoma governor's ten-year Marriage Initiative. They live in Seattle, Washington, with their two sons.

SYNOPSIS