We've all been there: We know we must confront a coworker, store clerk, or friend about some especially sticky situation--and we know the encounter will be uncomfortable. So we repeatedly mull it over until we can no longer put it off, and then finally stumble through the confrontation. Difficult Conversations, by Douglas Stone, Bruce Patton, and Sheila Heen, offers advice for handling these unpleasant exchanges in a manner that accomplishes their objective and diminishes the possibility that anyone will be needlessly hurt. The authors, associated with Harvard Law School and the Harvard Project on Negotiation, show how such dialogues actually comprise three separate components: the "what happened" conversation (verbalizing what we believe really was said and done), the "feelings" conversation (communicating and acknowledging each party's emotional impact), and the "identity" conversation (expressing the situation's underlying personal meaning). The explanations and suggested improvements are, admittedly, somewhat complicated. And they certainly don't guarantee positive results. But if you honestly are interested in elevating your communication skills, this book will walk you through both mistakes and remedies in a way that will boost your confidence when such unavoidable clashes arise. --Howard Rothman


From Publishers Weekly
Bringing together the insights of such diverse disciplines as law, organizational behavior, cognitive, family and social psychology and "dialogue" studies, Stone, Patton and Heen, who teach at Harvard Law School and the Harvard Negotiation Project, illustrate how to handle the challenges involved in effectively resolving "difficult conversations," whether in an interpersonal, business or political context. While many of their points are simplisticAdon't ignore your feelings, consider the other person's intentions, take a break from the situationAthey're often overlooked in stressful moments. Most useful are the strategies for disarming the impulse to lay blame and for exploring one's own contribution to a tense situation. Also of value are specific recommendations for bringing emotions directly into a difficult discussion by talking about them and paying attention to the way they can subtly inform judgments and accusations. If these recommendations aren't followed, the authors contend, emotions will seep into the discussion in other, usually damaging, ways. Stone, Patton and Heen illustrate their points with anecdotes, scripted conversations and familiar examples in a clear, easy-to-browse format. While "difficult conversations" may not have the intrinsic appeal of the Harvard Negotiation Project's previous bestseller, Getting to Yes, this book is a cogent resource for those who see the sense in preparing for tough talks in advance. Agent, Esther Newberg. Ad/promo; author tour. (Apr.) FYI: Patton is the co-author of Getting to Yes.Copyright 1999 Reed Business Information, Inc.


From Library Journal
Stone and his coauthors, teachers at Harvard Law School and the Harvard Negotiation Project, present an informative, practical guide to the art of handling difficult conversationsAe.g., firing an employee, ending a relationship, or discussing marital conflicts. The information is based on 15 years of research and thousands of personal interviews. The authors define a difficult conversation as "anything you find it hard to talk about." Each chapter recommends step-by-step techniques that can lead to a more constructive approach for dealing with distressing interactions, so that a difficult conversation can become a learning conversation. Examples of right and wrong conversations from everyday life are used throughout the book, which is extremely well organized and easy to follow. This will be appreciated by readers who wish to improve oral communication in all aspects of their daily lives. Recommended for self-help collections in public and academic libraries.AElizabeth Goeters, Georgia Perimeter Coll., DunwoodyCopyright 1999 Reed Business Information, Inc.


From Booklist
This latest how-to from the Harvard Negotiation Project may not spend as long on best-seller lists as Getting to YES (1992), but it will appeal to readers who've endured hostile, annoying, and utterly unproductive talks with family members, bosses, coworkers, neighbors, and acquaintances. The authors' central insight is that tough conversations are difficult because they blend three layers: each party's version of "what happened"; each party's feelings; and the identity issues the subject raises for each party. By sorting out these three layers and adopting a curious, "learning" approach, one can take on sensitive subjects while strengthening rather than threatening long-term relationships. The authors draw on their background in negotiation, mediation, and law but also on "organizational behavior; cognitive, client-centered, and family therapies; social psychology; communication theory; and the growing body of work around the idea of `dialogue.'" These talented communicators blend a daunting array of disciplines into highly readable and practical advice--advice selected by both The Literary Guild and the Doubleday Book Club for their readers. Expect requests. Mary Carroll


Book Description
Members of the Harvard Negotiation Project--which brought you the mega-bestseller Getting to YES--show you how to handle your most difficult conversations with confidence and skill.

Whether you're dealing with an underperforming employee, disagreeing with your spouse about money or child-rearing, negotiating with a difficult client, or simply saying "no," or "I'm sorry," or "I love you," we attempt or avoid difficult conversations every day. Based on fifteen years of research at the Harvard Negotiation Project, Difficult Conversations walks you through a step-by-step proven approach to having your toughest conversations with less stress and more success. You will learn:
how to start the conversation without defensiveness
why what is not said is as important as what is
ways of keeping and regaining your balance in the face of attacks and accusations
how to decipher the underlying structure of every difficult conversation

Filled with examples from everyday life, Difficult Conversations will help you on the job, at home, or out in the world. It is a book you will turn to again and again for advice, practical skills, and reassurance.

"Does this book deliver on [its] promise of an effective way through sticky situations, whether 'with your baby sitter or your biggest client'? It does."-- The New York Times

"These talented communicators blend a daunting array of disciplines into highly readable and practical advice."-- Booklist

"Brilliant. . . . I've already re-read most of it. I'm using it. What more could a reader ask?"-- Tom Peters

"Emotional Intelligence applied to life's tough moments."-- Daniel Goleman


Download Description
"What is a difficult conversation? Asking for a raise. Ending a relationship. Saying ""no"" to your boss or spouse. Confronting disrespectful behavior. Apologizing. Conversations we dread, and often handle clumsily as a result, are part of all our lives: in boardrooms and family rooms, across the negotiation table and the dinner table. Now, Difficult Conversations teaches us how to handle these dialogues with more success and less anxiety. How does it work? Based on fifteen years of research and consultations with thousands of people, Difficult Conversations pinpoints what works. The authors discovered that regardless of context, the same small but crucial errors are what trip us up--and a few key adjustments can make all the difference. * The role of emotions--ours and theirs * The impact of what is said and what is not said * Why admitting our mistakes will put us in a stronger position * The truth behind the myth that women are better at expressing their emotions than men * How to respond productively in the face of personal attacks Who is this for? Filled with examples from everyday life, Difficult Conversations is certain to be an instant and lasting classic for families, neighbors, bosses, employees, customers, tenants, landlords, psychologists, teachers, and more. Who are the authors? Douglas Stone, Bruce Patton, and Sheila Heen teach at Harvard Law School and at the Harvard Negotiation Project. They have consulted to countless businesspeople, governments, organizations, and communities including all parties to the negotiations on constitutional transition in South Africa; school teachers in Medellin, Colombia; and community leaders and the police department in Springfield, Massachusetts. They lecture throughout the world and have written on negotiation, conflict resolution, and communication. Bruce Patton is co-author of Getting to Yes."


Book Info
Walks the reader through a proven step-by-step approach for how to have your toughest conversations with less stress and more success. Reveals how to prepare, how to start the conversation without defensiveness, and how to keep it constructive and focused, regardless of how the other person responds. Softcover. DLC: Interpersonal communication.

FROM OUR EDITORS

Nobody tells you how to discuss the hard things. You may learn from your parents how to "play fair." You're taught that if you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all, and a few other gems. But how are you supposed to know what to say to a boss who undermines you in a big meeting? What do you do when you keep having the same, but increasingly annoying, argument with your spouse? How about (my personal favorite) dealing with the noisy neighbors? Sometimes these conversations happen in a fit of anger, in which case not much usually improves. Sometimes we plan strategically with friends. Their advice, and our own ideas about how to broach difficult matters, come from experience, which is nothing to be scoffed at. But often we fret in nervous anticipation, stumble through a conversation, come away frustrated or fail to get the desired results. We are left to wonder: If we'd approached the issue differently, could we be better satisfied with the outcome?

Difficult Conversations is a new work by the Harvard Negotiation Project, the group that produced the bestselling Getting to Yes . This is a step-by-step guide to weathering conversational storms. It breaks down a conversation into three parts, illuminating the moments where misunderstandings arise. First, there is the "What Happened?" conversation. That's when you and your interlocutor each decide you are right, make assumptions about why the other person did what she or he did, and ascribe blame. Next, there's the "Feelings" conversation, in which many people do not think it's important to communicate—or successfully communicate—how the issue at hand affected them emotionally. Finally, there's the "Identity" part, which is the most subtle and complex. The Identity Conversation, the authors write, is "all about who we are and how we see ourselves. How does what happened affect my self-esteem, my self-image, my sense of who I am in the world?"

Sometimes we're confident that we've given the other person a fair chance, but here we learn how arguments emerge in spite of good intentions. Your husband embarrassed you in front of your friends; he apologized, but he didn't seem to understand why what he did was wrong, and the apology didn't make you feel any better. The tools in this book show us how to express what we wanted to express in the conversation, but in such a way as to understand about the other person, to learn why the issue emerged, and to manage the issue in a productive way. The authors refer to this as a "Learning Conversation."

The techniques in this book won't surprise you. Fine, you think, but yesterday when I blasted my kid for breaking his curfew, I was right. He was wrong. I showed him that such behavior was unacceptable. But will he break his curfew again? Probably. Is he pouting in his room or complaining to his friends? Likely. In spite of how familiar and sensible the advice in this book is, such logic tends to slip away at just the wrong moment. This is not a book you should cozy up with on a Sunday afternoon. This is a book you should use as a prep/pep talk, so that the night before you're planning to fire your assistant, break up with your boyfriend, or tell your sister you're contesting your father's will, you can remind yourself what to expect and how to manage your confrontation.

—Hilary Liftin

Hilary Liftin is the coauthor of Dear Exile.

ANNOTATION

Filled with examples from everyday life, Difficult Conversations will help you at home, on the job, or out in the world. It is a book you'll turn to again and again for advice, practical skills, and reassurance.

FROM THE PUBLISHER

What is a difficult conversation?

Asking for a raise. Ending a relationship. Saying "no" to your boss or spouse. Confronting disrespectful behavior. Apologizing. Conversations we dread, and often handle clumsily as a result, are part of all our lives: in boardrooms and family rooms, across the negotiation table and the dinner table. Now, Difficult Conversations teaches us how to handle these dialogues with more success and less anxiety.

How does it work?

Based on fifteen years of research and consultations with thousands of people, Difficult Conversations pinpoints what works. The authors discovered that regardless of context, the same small but crucial errors are what trip us up — and a few key adjustments can make all the difference.

* The role of emotions — ours and theirs
* The impact of what is said and what is not said
* Why admitting our mistakes will put us in a stronger position
* The truth behind the myth that women are better at expressing their emotions than men
* How to respond productively in the face of personal attacks

Who is this for?

Filled with examples from everyday life, Difficult Conversations is certain to be an instant and lasting classic for families, neighbors, bosses, employees, customers, tenants, landlords, psychologists, teachers, and more.

Who are the authors?

Douglas Stone, Bruce Patton, and Sheila Heen teach at Harvard Law School and at the Harvard Negotiation Project. They have consulted to countless businesspeople, governments, organizations, and communities including all parties to the negotiations on constitutional transition in South Africa; school teachers in Medellin, Colombia; and community leaders and the police department in Springfield, Massachusetts. They lecture throughout the world and have written on negotiation, conflict resolution, and communication. Bruce Patton is co-author of Getting to Yes.

FROM THE CRITICS

Library Journal

Stone and his coauthors, teachers at Harvard Law School and the Harvard Negotiation Project, present an informative, practical guide to the art of handling difficult conversations--e.g., firing an employee, ending a relationship, or discussing marital conflicts. The information is based on 15 years of research and thousands of personal interviews. The authors define a difficult conversation as "anything you find it hard to talk about." Each chapter recommends step-by-step techniques that can lead to a more constructive approach for dealing with distressing interactions, so that a difficult conversation can become a learning conversation. Examples of right and wrong conversations from everyday life are used throughout the book, which is extremely well organized and easy to follow. This will be appreciated by readers who wish to improve oral communication in all aspects of their daily lives. Recommended for self-help collections in public and academic libraries.--Elizabeth Goeters, Georgia Perimeter Coll., Dunwoody

WHAT PEOPLE ARE SAYING

My skepticism towards books like this runs wide and deep. But this is the brilliant exception. I've already re-read most of it. I'm using it. What more could a reader ask?  — (Tom Peters, bestselling author of In Search of Excellence and The Pursuit of Wow!)

Emotional intelligence applied to life's tough moments.  — (Daniel Goleman, bestselling author of Working with Emotional Intelligence)